Today isn’t an easy day, but I keep telling myself I’ll make it through.
Five years ago today my father passed away. In fact it is five years ago to the minute that he passed as I write this. It has been a difficult day filled with highs and lows as I have tried to work and move through them all, but right now as I sit in my California Room there is this wave of emotion that has taken over. I haven’t felt this way since I dropped to the floor in his hospital room next to the bed as I saw him lying there finally at peace and no longer struggling for air. I, for years, have tried to deal with death in different ways, but not having my father in my life has proven to be one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.
I know that people say it gets easier as time passes, and I myself, have told people that it gets easier- but with days like today I am not so sure. It is the memories that come over you or little things that come up that make you emotional. For instance, take college basketball. For years growing up and even when I left for college, my father and I watched the “sweet 16” and the “final four” NCAA tournament whenever I would come home. It seemed to be a tradition for us as I grew up playing basketball and he loved the sport himself. Duke, Villanova, Georgetown, North Carolina all favorites and it was exciting to watch the games together as it should be. If the favorites didn’t make it, then the underdog became the new favorite. It was our thing. I even remember watching Michael Jordan when he played for UNC before he ended up playing for the Bulls. Yeah talk about old school. After my fathers death though, I couldn’t watch a game at all. It was too painful as I would see him sitting there not as we use to sit there in the living room or in another room in the house, but as the the last time I saw him sitting in his hospital bed on a respirator. We still were watching the game but it wasn’t a “good time” for him to watch the game because he wasn’t happy nor was he enjoying it. I remember sitting there and thinking that he couldn’t be comfortable and that I wanted to do so much more for him. When I lost my father, I lost my love for the game and the one person who loved the sport more than myself and that has been difficult.
This year though, I told myself that he wouldn’t want that of me. That he would have wanted me to continue to watch. So I decided I would do it for dad. It isn’t the easiest thing to do and I might not make it through a whole game without crying but it is a way for dad to always be with me.
I talked to a friend today who told me I should probably get out of the house and go do something. I did something today, I ran, I worked, I took a breather and had a good cry. Not what they intended for me to do I am sure but a lot is going on today, at least I did that much.
Right now, I’m going to go watch some college hoops, have a beer, and celebrate my dad.